As I move forward with my life, the hardest time for me comes as the sun sets. Sure, I have been 'single' for almost a year now. It doesn't mean my bed has been empty or that I have been a saint. It doesn't mean the opposite extreme either.
As I look forward, and start to slowly open up and consider looking for a relationship, or at least for dates, it's the one thing questioned. Is my motive fear of being alone? Am I so used to having someone that I am opening up for that reason alone? Am I the conditioned lab rat, merely reacting as I have been trained?
I knew the time wasn't right in January, yet I tried to have the casual yet not relationship. It flaked, because of my inability to commit, and at the time, it was the right direction. March came, as did vacation, and my feelings for someone known but just met blossomed. Reality, and distance sobered me up and I moved forward.
Late May came and two entered my life. Two I 'casually dated' for a month(ish) before redefining one as friendship. One left in limbo, in that casual yet not relationship state I seem intent on perfecting. August rolled in and finally, some definition was discussed. Again, friendship prevailed.
I've been afraid. I've craved safety within the comforts of friendship. I've been conditioned through years of being in relationships that with expression comes retribution, and sadly, it's been negative reinforcement. I've been conditioned to compromise, to hide the full emotion, to calculate my moves and not take risks.
Without work, and it's stress, that's changing it seems. The layers are peeling back, and I'm reconditioning myself. Sticking my neck out, being honest. I've been more emotionally charged, and working on confronting my emotions and the risks attached. Piece by piece, I'm changing, learning, crying, growing.
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