October 29: Candles.

flickering flames,
light the night,
dance on the walls-
in shadow, they morph,
tiny reflections
my soul, my life,
dancing on the walls.

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the smile, the eyes,
the look, the vibe,
a touch, a glance,
emotion, racing
a chance, left untaken,
a night enjoyed.

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a cold evening,
an empty apartment,
a lonely tune,
a warmth from within.

October 27: Vacation Reflections.

years, experiences,
shared
places, lived.
distances, grow.
life expands,
time, stops,
reunited, reacquainted
ripped apart.
(10/21)

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the presence, the closeness,
the intimacy,
old friends new bonds,
new faces, uncertain steps.
a future unknown
a future embraced.
(10/24)

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thirteen days,
five states,
myriad people.
passing by,
riding along,
catching up.
(10/27)

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It's a bit surreal to be heading home. Almost two weeks ago, I struck out, determined to let things settle, looking forward at the people I was visiting. I never thought the trip one of clarity, but more an escape. Old bonds, family, friends revisited, me just hoping to stay sane. Just hoping it went well. Now? I don't think it could have gone better. Family: reunited. Friends: redefined. Transition is always hard, especially for those not dealing directly with it. Our friends, our families, they suffer since they don't get the whole story. They get pieces, and are often left sorting it out themselves. Rarely does the chance like mine arise, where I can go and explain in person, help explain, help reshape the relationships. This trip has been very grounding, laying and solidifying the foundations I have built with those in my life. Some legs of the journey weren't easy. Others unexpected, but I enjoyed every day of it. As we slowly descend into SeaTac,I'm content. I'm truly thankful for those in my life. As I move forward with life in Seattle, this content and grounded feeling will guide me, will assist me, will propel me.

October 22: Chicago.

a sea of faces,
an attractive smile.
social overload,
a dark room.
refreshed cleaning,
an early morning,
biking and brunch.
longing, lonely,
homesick.

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close friends,
distant family,
visited, seen, reunited.
new faces,
weak bonds,
low investments,
high returns,
valuable experiences.

October 10: One dollar.

I've cried myself to sleep two nights this week. Not sobbing, gut-wrenching events, but silent, lonely tears falling on the pillow as I snuggle with Domo. In fact, every night this week has been a influx of emotion, barely contained, and rarely silenced. It's been a departure from the more carefree month that ushered in my unemployment.

It's been a departure from my new norm in so many ways, and I'm still trying to right the ship and praying for a patch of smooth sailing. Vacation and a whole host of unknowns are ahead though. I'm really trying to concentrate on enjoying the vacation, on not letting every dollar spent seem like another piece of my potential livelihood being spent. Those thoughts breakdown like this:

That dollar? It could have been part of January's rent. That dinner out? Half of the power bill.

It's really difficult to break from that rather destructive thought pattern. I'm sure some financial types would applaud it, but fuck, one has to enjoy themselves at times. It's great I'm able to live and function without a job at the moment, and some of that is because I have been such a bitch to myself budget-wise, but it's making one cranky rat.

Aside from that, my heart decided to release it's self from whatever inner hell it had been imprisoned in and been more active than a bouncy rubber ball on a concrete floor. I laugh, I cry, I go from bubbly to blubbery. My care for people near me has gone from mild concern to deep, almost smothering worry.

I feel like the last man standing, a seemingly never-ending onslaught of zombies in front me. The movie is ending, the final battle is here, and all I have is a crowbar and sheer will. Wish me luck?

October 8: Mellow and Dry.

A beautiful disaster,
A tragic opportunity,
An epic failure
A communicative void.
An anxious reply,
A turn of the screw,
An undefined silence.

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Maybe we'll meet, maybe we'll chat, maybe we'll have tea. Or this time it'll be coffee, it'll be a text, it'll be unplanned. Again we attempt, again we see each other, again we drink. The cycle changes, the pieces morph, but the process remains. It's more a question of what's created than what we do as it all falls together.

October 7: A Lonely Walk.

Every step,
every tear,
is another you,
another person I remember,
another memory,
trickling down my cheek.
Experiences, life,
clear as day,
fading as is the moonlight.
I pause, for relief,
in shadow,
cleansing myself,
of not just you, but others,
of memories, of experiences,
I'm not ready for,
of life, I am not ready to live.

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good morning,
sleepy, gravely, welcoming.
a stray arm,
a random smile,
a warmth,
persisting into the day.

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Young, old,
A number
Random, immaterial.
Wise, foolish
Experiences form a web
That easily ensnares
That preys on those
Not concerned w/age
But life lived.

October 4: Six empty bottles.

An early morning,
A rushed process,
A prompt reshuffle.
Out of Seattle,
Out of the suburbs,
Up the mountain we traversed.
Tenuous bonds,
tested, pushed, affirmed.
Parting, too soon,
words, rushed, emotions, questioned.

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cheap beer, new face,
wandering topics, waning conversation.
another bottle, another topic.
expectations, met, boundaries, respected.
another bottle, deeper discussions.
reality, faced, respect gained,
bottles, recycled, time, fleeting.
admiration, attraction, in check.
brisk walk, sobered tones,
empty, but content.

October 1: A clean studio.

A chilly morning,
mellow tones,
hot oatmeal on a scratchy throat.
A simple spreadsheet,
a month of finances in plain view.
A random chat, a smile,
the day's plans set.
A clean studio,
steam from the shower,
flickering candle peppering the senses.