September 30: Random.

Being a great friend, being a great partner, it isn't about love. It isn't about sacrifice. It's about passion, and being passionate enough about someone and how you feel that you accept the risk involved. Being passionate means accepting that risk, and being great when thought of by others is about that realization. Pain is an acceptable risk for those blinded by passion. We live each day following the passions we have, well aware of the pain nipping at our heels.

September 29: A bottle of wine.

With passion comes pain,
with rewards come retribution.
We gamble, throwing the dice,
Accepting the highs,
wishing against the lows.
We are a society of rewards,
not retribution.

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The rush of something new,
The thrill of the unknown.
The taste of something different,
A new recipe, a new fav.
Time reveals its place,
Whether tucked on the shelf,
or well marked on top of the microwave.

September 27: Home.

you could call,
you could email,
you could text,
you could tweet.
you could knock,
you could...
I could wait,
I could anticipate,
I could be anxious,
yet I try
to reason, to understand, to let go.

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With the social high, comes the social low. That wave of emptiness, the decided lack of some *thing* to do, of some *one* to hang with. The ebb and flow of life, the struggle to keep feeling good, to keep feeling wanted. A platonic sense of belonging, a sense of community, a sense of connection. How quickly it fades, how quickly it sparks, how quickly we lose it.

September 25: Finally home.

we ate dinner,
he kissed me.
I had surgery,
he held me.
we took a walk,
he kissed me.
we watched a movie,
he held my hand.
we bought groceries,
he kissed me.
we parted, friends,
he glanced back.
we grew close,
I kissed him.
we listened to music,
he held me.
we woke in the morning,
and we both smiled.

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show me, tell me, share with me.
expand my horizon, narrow my opinion, prove me wrong.
challenge me, question me, defy me.
shake my foundations, smash my beliefs, raise the roof.
impress me, improve me, embarrass me.
make me question, make me bleed, make me grow.

September 23: iheartSAM (and Cherry Street).

3 words, or 30, what does it take to describe a yourself?
Simple, no, it's too complex.
Eclectic? Not I, the one who blends in easily at times.
Quirky, maybe. For beneath the surface, many quirks exist.
One down, how many to go?
Basic, hmm, define it and let me know.
I could be basic, I could be so easily defined.
Unique? Please, that watered down term
Everyone claims it, and rightfully so
It's not like we're clones.
Sweet, am I edible? Am I a product to be consumed?
Wait, we aren't we?
We are here to mingle, no man an isle.
No amount of effort can contain the ripple our existence creates.
So why not define ourselves as such?
New and Improved! Now with more spunk! The kids will love it!
We can include user manuals and a list of compatibles.
Product specs? Sure
One human.
Quirky, basic, available.

September 22: Home.

To love with fighting,
Yearn without giving,
To yield without reason,
Complacency, idiocy, irony.

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conditioned, controlled,
manipulated, used.
unshackled, deprogrammed,
unobserved, free.

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With passion comes pain, with risk comes reward, with one extreme comes the chance of its opposite. Living requires acceptance of the risk, of the reward, of the pain, of the passion. Are you living?

My Clone Sleeps Alone.

As I move forward with my life, the hardest time for me comes as the sun sets. Sure, I have been 'single' for almost a year now. It doesn't mean my bed has been empty or that I have been a saint. It doesn't mean the opposite extreme either.

As I look forward, and start to slowly open up and consider looking for a relationship, or at least for dates, it's the one thing questioned. Is my motive fear of being alone? Am I so used to having someone that I am opening up for that reason alone? Am I the conditioned lab rat, merely reacting as I have been trained?

I knew the time wasn't right in January, yet I tried to have the casual yet not relationship. It flaked, because of my inability to commit, and at the time, it was the right direction. March came, as did vacation, and my feelings for someone known but just met blossomed. Reality, and distance sobered me up and I moved forward.

Late May came and two entered my life. Two I 'casually dated' for a month(ish) before redefining one as friendship. One left in limbo, in that casual yet not relationship state I seem intent on perfecting. August rolled in and finally, some definition was discussed. Again, friendship prevailed.

I've been afraid. I've craved safety within the comforts of friendship. I've been conditioned through years of being in relationships that with expression comes retribution, and sadly, it's been negative reinforcement. I've been conditioned to compromise, to hide the full emotion, to calculate my moves and not take risks.

Without work, and it's stress, that's changing it seems. The layers are peeling back, and I'm reconditioning myself. Sticking my neck out, being honest. I've been more emotionally charged, and working on confronting my emotions and the risks attached. Piece by piece, I'm changing, learning, crying, growing.

September 20: Fuel in Wallingford.

Passion, slippery slopes,
Unknown paths diverge,
Steps in the darkness
Footsteps light the way
Direction is lost
Hope is found
Life is discovered.

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Days unknown,
Nights uncharted,
Actions unscripted,
Life undiscovered,
Truth is the future,
Honest the past,
Confidence is lost.

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Cowardice and complacency were ingrained into my life as I chose non-confrontational paths. I can handle these two on my own, but with others, it becomes a challenge. As my defense soften, the challenge increases, and I slowly lose the battle.